Her ink stands out on the pages of history.
Its colors and brilliance demand to be read.

But your pages will always be a mystery.
For you were too afraid to let your colors be anything but invisible.

I think we all like to imagine ourselves as the brilliant colors on the pages of history. At the least we aspire to reach this point. But the funny thing is that aspirations and dreams never made anybody stand out on the page. It takes the action of writing our stories painstakingly through trying new things and making mistakes and failing and attempting it all over again to be remembered.

I am not unlike everyone else in wishing to be the bold ink across the pages of history. But I am deathly afraid of failure. When I let this consume my actions, my ink becomes invisible. It blends in with the white, boring page of what everyone else is doing.

To be written on the pages of history, we have to write our own stories instead of letting society write our predictable endings. Dreams stay the fantasies of our imagination until we write them into action. We have to pick up our own pen and choose a different color, a different story of our lives, and take a chance on new things.

When we are afraid of failure, we become like everyone else, invisible in a way. Few people can say that they clearly stood out on the pages of history. And that wasn’t because they stood back and let their stories be written for them.

I have a love/hate relationship with social media. Instagram has simultaneously kept me in touch with cousins who live across the country and friends whom I otherwise may have never seen again, while also managing to deliver me the worst self esteem and self confidence I have ever experienced in my life. Snapchat helped me make the transition from a nerd in the corner with a book to a mildly social and modern American teen albeit still nerdy while also giving me way too much information about people’s lives and teaching me exactly why I don’t want to be a social and modern American teen.

You gotta love the 21st century.

Social media gave me one final thing that I absolutely did not need: comparison. When you open any social media app, you see perfectly smiling, edited, acne-less faces with beautiful friends or in beautiful settings. If you check Instagram/Facebook/snapchat accounts at night or by yourself on the couch as I do typically, you kind of start to despise those people as you scroll through their themed and excellently manicured feeds. You strongly dislike them, but at the same time they have the kind of power over you that no one needs to have in anybody else’s hands: the power of comparison. If you are as sensitive as I am, I can predict what thoughts go through your head: they are so pretty, their group of friends is so cute, how is she so photogenic, I can’t believe she goes on these amazing vacations all the time, they are smart and talented and beautiful all at the same time, why is their life so amazing, and finally here’s the real killer, why am I not more like them.

Why am I not more like them? It’s quite bluntly one of the worst questions you could ask yourself. Society always blabs at us “be unique”, “be different”, “be special”, but somehow we all seem to want the same things: to be attractive, seen as successful, surrounded by people we care about, and loved. And society tells us there are only a few ways to go about doing that. So we all try to reach for ultimately the same things and we love to share our success stories with the world. But our failures? They stay in that one drawer of clothes you never wear and never show to the world.

We’ve been told this thousands of times, so I’m just going to gloss over it, but comparing yourself to all of your friends success stories on social media is only going to make you feel worse about yourself. I’m perhaps one of the biggest hypocrites in the world because I am one of the worst “comparers” I know. It’s almost sickeningly addicting, looking at the perfected images of all the people in my life and the successes they have had or are currently living.

I have known for a long time that social media and comparing myself to the people I follow is ultimately bad for me. But I learned another lesson today (the hard way of course... how else are the best lessons learned?) that while it’s never healthy to compare, understanding the way other people live is important because it gives us perspective. I led a retreat today and had the opportunity to speak with a young middle school girl. For her own privacy, I won’t share the specific troubles she is facing, but I will say they are far beyond the kind of suffering any child should face at the age of 12.

This experience helped me to realize that we cannot completely ignore the rest of the world in attempts to prevent comparing ourselves to others because how else do we gain the understanding and perspective which broadens the way in which we are able to view the world? And yet, in this quest of understanding and being enlightened of the human condition, how do we ensure that we don’t lose ourselves along the way due to the insecurities of comparisons? It’s a question I quite honestly can’t answer, so I’ll leave it to your own musings... :)

​To laugh often and much; To win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; To earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; To appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; To leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson ​

Like some breaths come easier than others, some words are written easier than others. Bear with me, as these are the words difficult to express. 

Enduring the betrayal of false friends is one of the most difficult experiences we as the human species come across during our lifetimes. In poetry and music, heartbreak from the loss of a lover or significant other is commonly talked about. Much less discussed is the heartbreak that comes from losing a friend. 

It hurts in a different part of our heart. It isn't the soul-shattering, exploding pain that comes from breaking up with someone we passionately loved. It's a slow ache that builds over a long time, ebbing and flowing. But it hurts all the same. Friendship is an investment in a way. You put time and effort into a person that accumulates in many different means. We all invest different things: money, possessions, care, words. But the most important thing we invest is our time. We spend long nights with our friends on the phone after their breakups. We slave for hours creating and finding the perfect Christmas or birthday present. We are there for them when they are at their lowest and highest. We do this first and foremost because we love them, and we love the time we spend with them and for them, the good and the bad. For we've chosen them, all of them, both the virtues and the flaws. But we also invest in a friend, because deep down we want them to be there for us when it is our turn to struggle through a breakup or difficult time. We need people we can count on to love us and care for us when we need them the most. While we like to deny it, we all require companionship. We'd go crazy without each other. 

That's why it hurts all the more when those we have counted on and invested in are not there for us. It's a punch in the gut on top of the wounds we are already experiencing. It makes you question yourself for trusting someone who turned out to only hurt you in the end, and it darkens the happy times you spent together because looking back, you recognize it all to be a lie. It's a betrayal of the deepest kind, and most of us never forget it. The pain stays with you and affects your ability to trust and believe in the future friends that ultimately always come along. 

This is why I believe Emerson considers it such a crucial part of success: to endure the betrayal of false friends. It is only when we have experienced pain of this kind and yet go forward through life with laughter on our lips that we truly have lived. While losing friends hurts like nothing else, it is also a learning experience and allows us to choose better friends in the future. The worst experiences I have had in losing friends have allowed me to find the friends later I know will have for a long time. When you make a dramatic mistake once, you never make the same one again. 

So to those experiencing or who have experienced the betrayal of false friends, know it is a part of life and a part of the road to reaching success and joy. Thank the ones who have hurt your heart in this way. You would never have become the greater person you are today or found your true friends without them. 

To laugh often and much; To win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; To earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; To appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; To leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson


The meaning of success is an ambiguous term. We all seek to live successful lives, just by different definitions of the term itself. In our modern, western society, success is often equivocated with money or degrees or the people you associate with. But with everything I do, I seek to challenge this in every regard.

I grew up with this quote on the wall of my grandmother's house, and I would whisper it to myself every time I saw it because it had such power. Words can be like that. When used correctly, they have the power to change lives. And these words in particular have changed and defined my life. In many ways, they embody all that I aspire to be. I am thus dedicating the next couple blog posts to discuss the meaning I personally have found abounding in this quote. 

We have made success too complicated. Some of the people who are the most successful in my eyes are the parents that have raised children to be kind adults. Their life accomplishments will not go down in any hall of fame, but will live on in the people they have left on this earth. To look at this in another light, just because you become the president of a country or a CEO doesn't mean you have lived a successful life. This is why the words to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived are so powerful. 

How many of us can say that we have made others' lives easier because of our presence and actions on this earth? Not as many as we would like to imagine. A name on a cold, lifeless plaque or trophy is truly nothing compared to repairing a living, breathing human heart. To those who have been graced with easy and steady breathing, remember all those whose breaths come in short, quick gasps. Their hearts are all worth helping or saving. To those whose breaths are unsure or weak, help always finds a way in many shapes or forms to those who ask for it. We all know what it is like to struggle for every breath in this smoky world. And we have all easily filled our lungs with the clean air our world can also occasionally provide. 

So instead of judging your success based on test scores, job titles, followers on instagram, wealth, or fame, judge it upon the lives you have changed. It's not always as dramatic as saving someone from the brink of suicide. Sometimes it's sitting with someone who needs a friend. Sometimes it's smiling at a stranger. Regardless, we'll never fully know the impact we have had on others until we are among the legions of guardian angels. So until we are, make a promise to yourself for your own sake and for others, to make someone else breath a little easier. 

​It's the little things that bring us the success our hearts are truly longing for. 

"I gave all my oxygen to people that could breathe
I gave away my money and now we don't even speak
I drove miles and miles, but would you do the same for me?
Oh, honestly?
Offered off my shoulder just for you to cry upon
Gave you constant shelter and a bed to keep you warm
They gave me the heartache and in return I gave a song
It goes on and on
....
So before I save someone else, I've got to save myself"
-Ed Sheeran "Save Myself"

I believe we all innately have the capacity to empathize. Some of us find it easier to connect with others' pain or others' joy. Some of us are so caught up in our own struggles that we fail to notice the suffering going on all around us. And some of us go past empathy to the point of drowning ourselves in others' problems that we have become blind or immune to our own. 

Nevertheless, empathy is a powerful thing, and a beautiful one at that. It allows us to just for a moment experience with another the strongest expressions of their emotions, tap into something we perhaps do not understand, broaden our perspectives, and see beyond ourselves. When we empathize, we cannot help but be changed, and I like to think the other person's pain is lessened a least a little. I know personally that pain hurts a little less when there is someone who understands. 

It was a lesson that took me years to learn. We cannot solve everyone else's problems. The most we can usually do is listen, offer what little wisdom we have to share, and allow them to feel less alone because suffering is lonely. However, I easily get caught in dwelling in people's problems. More recently I've realized that for me it is a distraction from my own complications and my own struggles and insecurities that are easier to ignore when they are pushed behind everything else. 

How can we expect to heal others when we ignore the brokenness inside ourselves? Obviously not all kinds of broken are easily healed, and sometimes it's those that are the most broken that heal the most. As honorable as this is, it's incredibly draining. Often we aren't fully equipped to be reaching out to others when we haven't healed our own kind of broken. 


I want to close these short thoughts with a little self reflection... Ed Sheeran's song really hit me tonight. I realized that my exhaustion at the end of the day is because I am constantly finding myself dwelling in the problems of others. While the ability to empathize is something to be treasured, it's quite another to dwell. It's an easy distraction from some of my own insecurities that aren't as easy to address. 

So before going out and solving the problems of the world, make sure you know if the problem solver has their own problems relatively solved. Remember that at the end of the day, its your own insecurities, your own struggles, you have to face when you wake up in the morning. It's much easier to wake up and begin touching others' lives in a positive way when you  can look at yourself and look at the world with confidence. 

I rejoice therefore that I have confidence in you in all things.
2 Corinthians 7:16

A friend reminded me something tonight which I have been told over and over again through the course of my life, which is something I have a difficult time accepting. “Everything happens for a reason.” Every thing we say, everything we do, everything that is said to us, everything that is done to us, everything that occurs outside of ourselves, it has purpose. Often that purpose is greater than ourselves, much greater than we can understand.

This is the hardest to accept when we know we’ve done wrong, when our actions, our words, have cut deeply into others and brought them pain and suffering. And when we make these mistakes, it’s the easy thing to do to run away, to justify our actions, to pretend what we did wasn’t wrong. However when we remove the wood from our own eye, when we let go of our blindness just for one second to allow ourselves to see without prejudice, something deep inside is still able to recognize right from wrong, wrong from right.

Recognizing a mistake I’ve made is incredibly painful. It often forces me to realize with it other mistakes I’ve similarly made. It’s hard to accept we aren’t perfect and that we are just like anyone else on this planet: human. It’s hard to understand that some things I’ve done aren’t completely fixable, and no matter what I do I can’t make my actions go away or heal the scars.

And from mistakes I’ve made, especially recently, I’ve come to understand a number of things.

1. Our actions have a reason: the good, but especially the bad. God takes everything we do and transforms it into a purpose of his own. We have to open ourselves to letting God work his magic. When we make mistakes, we have to own it, do whatever we can to fix it, but ultimately let God handle it.

2. When we hurt others and recognize our mistakes, we also need to heal. Though our pain perhaps isn’t equal to the pain we’ve caused, what we are feeling is also raw and also constitutes pain. Time and prayer works wonders.

3. In moving on from our mistakes, we have to forgive ourselves. It goes without saying that we have to forgive those who have hurt us, but when we make mistakes we hold it in for a long time and let it eat away at our gut. It doesn’t do anyone, even the person or people we’ve hurt, if we hold our regret and pain inside.

4. We have to let our mistakes transform us. If we just try to fix it and cover it up, we keep making those mistakes over and over. In owning our mistakes, forgiving ourselves, and instilling within ourselves a desire to never let it happen again, we grow as people.

5. It’s important to let ourselves be forgiven. When forgiveness is offered and the opportunity for repentance extended, we have to take it. When we let ourselves be forgiven, we allow change, God’s change to take place within our hearts and in the lives of those around us.


We make mistakes for a reason. These reasons inspire change. Smile then, because trusting in God and each other allows us to move on from our mistake and let our mistakes and God change us.






To those whom I’ve hurt: I’m truly sorry. Your pain is echoed in my own heart. As you heal, please know I’m hurting for you in the process of someday forgiving myself.

​

It's a depressing title, I know.  But pain is an ever-present part of our lives. Even through the happiest of times, it is the constant strand in a complex array of webs that unites us as humanity together. The types of pain are varied with an infinite amount of levels. Often it is the smallest of things that can consume us and lead us down a path where pain consumes our lives and everything about our existence. 

Nonetheless, instead of allowing this shared, underlying pain to unite us, it is rather the most magnified divider of people. In fact, the people who are hurting the most are often the ones to bring others serious pain. As humans, its one of our biggest temptations to subconsciously imagine the world to revolve around ourselves, making our own pain one of the most central aspects of our daily lives, rather than recognizing the hurting that goes on all around us. The small negative things that occur in our lives begin to add up until suddenly we are looking at a miserable existence. This pain can become so great that our simple human minds can't contain it anymore, and it begins to be expressed as harmful verbal or physical lashing out. Internalized pain takes a lot of time to heal, and in the meantime it's extremely difficult to deal with. 

However, when we are the victims of these lashing outs, we tend to focus on our own pain and not the origin of where our pain came from. This blindness leads to us ignoring the pain of others and continuing this cycle of pain. 

As a little challenge to you, when everything seems to be going wrong and people seem to be hurting you again and again, focus on the pain they might be experiencing. First of all, it's a distraction from your own pain, and third it leads to compassion. And a world of compassion is a world is one of so much less pain... :)

For my entire life people have told me "Claire, you are smart." I've been called various names such as the Book Girl, or the Nerd with many other variations. I lived for accomplishing the next goal, the next task, the next dream to reach. But it happens in every persons life when they don't reach that goal or that dream. When something they thought they'd been good at all along crashes and burns all around them, and suddenly they don't feel good at it anymore. From someone who's experienced this, it hurts. A lot.

It was when I entered high school that I finally came to the realization that there were an incredible amount people out there who were just as smart and smarter than me. I wasn't and couldn't be the smartest one out there. I felt purposeless and ambition-less because it seemed like there was no way to win. Records are there to be broken, and no matter what you do, there's always someone out there who's better than you at what you do. Maybe not now, but definitely somewhere down the line.

If not smart then, what was I? It's a deep question I had to ask myself, and all of us have to ask ourselves similar questions. Looking beyond the talents we have, who are we as a person? What is our self worth based on? Because if we base our self worth on something temporary, we are only setting ourself up for major heartbreak down the line.

I was waiting to someday accomplish some unknown "ultimate goal" that would finally bring fulfillment. I'll make this quick, it doesn't exist on earth. There is always some other goal to aim for. At the end of the day, I wanted someone to tell me "you did it. You finally are enough." You are enough. Those are such powerful words, at least to my mind. I didn't understand or fathom in any way that God had molded me and created me in a particular way, and when He was done, He looked at me and saw that what he made was good. I am good. You are good. Is that not absolutely remarkable? No matter what we accomplish in our lives here on earth, what records we break, what we are the best in, we are still just as good in God's eyes as the average person next to us.

Our value is not in our grades, it's not in how fast we can run a mile, it's not our vocal range. Our self worth is that we were created by God with a much higher purpose than getting into a certain college or making a certain amount of money. It's little things that bring fulfillment. It's long conversations with a friend late at night, it's playing a board game with a sibling, it's catching up with an old acquaintance, it's laughing so hard your stomach hurts, it's going on a walk and simply being along with your thoughts. There is so much joy in our lives, we have so much purpose contained in our bodies, and no matter what we do, we are enough in God's eyes.

I in no way intend to sound preachy, though I probably do. I am not at all perfect at this, but it's something I've come to a major realization with in my life and I wanted to share that with you :).