If anybody's ever been in a truly black mood before, then you'll understand what I mean when I begin describing this dark place I got myself into one evening. It's this all consuming vortex of loneliness and melancholy swirling with all your deepest fears. Lovely, right? Before you begin thinking that I need a therapist, I will warn you that this was brought about mostly by severe exhaustion. The thoughts that brought me down to this place were feeling let down. I felt let down by the people closest to me, the friends I trusted, the people that have raised me, the people who are related to me (disclaimer: I really do have wonderful friends and family. I was seriously in a very bad mood).
And so if you believe me that I truly do have wonderful friends and family, you're of course questioning why I would ever doubt these people that are in my life. As I often do, I blame society. I blame a culture that seeks unrealistic perfection. I am a huge believer in self improvement, while oppositely I absolutely despise unrealistic perfection. It's this addiction that never allows you to find happiness in the present moment as you constantly search and are looking for ways in which you aren't up to par and fixating on those aspects until they are fixed. I personally set perfection expectations of myself. It's a blessing in some ways, but in many more it's a curse. Having high expectations is completely healthy, but perfection expectations can slowly kill a person.
While I internalize these expectations, there are others that externalize them, focusing their perfectionistic ideals on those that surround them: looking for perfect relationships or perfect houses or perfect appearances. Unfortunately, my internalized expectations can sometimes lead to externalized ones where I expect and want the highest caliber of relationships possible when we live in a world that that becomes incredibly difficult.
When I look at other peoples relationships, I see the perfected picture that they show the world. This is of course makes me feel worse about myself and even worse about my own connections with others. And this is what led me to my lonely dark mood.
My personal way that I've come to deal with this is prayer, which is an entirely different topic in itself. And secondly, I change my outlook. I have to constantly remind myself to look for the good in others but not seek and demand the perfect. Though we all should strive for excellence, we are human. We aren't God so we aren't perfect. If I shouldn't be asking and seeking absolute perfection of myself, how can I possibly ask anybody else to do the same? So instead of demanding and expecting perfect people, perfect relationships, perfect things and getting ourselves into dark holes when we predictably don't get this, we simply have to remind ourselves to see the joy and most especially the good in what we have. And when people and relationships temporarily or permanently fail, we can't blame them when we ourselves could be failing right along beside them.